Easier to run
by Khordealis
Summary: Hi, I'm Kai. But I guess you know that already, so I'll save my breath. Or something like that. So what am I doing? Running, actually. What am I running from? Myself, mostly. So why am I running like a mad man? Oh, I have my reasons... DARK fic! one-shot!


**Disclaimer:** Beyblade isn't mine, nor is the characters.

**Warning:** **Strong emotional content.** **Not suitable for people struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts/ self harming.** See mega-author's note at the end of the story.

**Rating: M** and for good reasons.

**Comment on summary:** makes sense after a while. Loosely based on the chorus from Linkin Park's song "Easier to run".

**xXx xXx xXx**

_Hi, I'm Kai. But I guess you know that already, so I'll save my breath. Or something like that. So what am I doing? Running, actually. What am I running from? Myself, mostly. I'm running like I've never run before, and I'm not even bothering to look at the landscape. Not that it's a lot to see anyway. I've already seen these things, so there's nothing new here exactly. So why am I running like a mad man? Oh, I have my reasons. One of them has hair as red as bloody fire and the bluest eyes I have ever seen. Those eyes, that came to be my downfall. If you know about me, then you also know that emotions isn't one of my strongest points. And love... no, that emotion isn't one I know how to handle at all. And the main reason for my desperate flight right now is because of an event that took place exactly seven days ago. _

_He came to my apartment that night, positively beaming. He said he had fallen in love – and was moving in with the guy. Tala hasn't had much love in his life, so I guess I should have been happy for him. Thing is, I wasn't.  
>I felt like he had cut my heart right out of my body and left me to watch it slowly stop beating. Somehow I managed to give one of my usual comments about his general quirkiness and hopelessly perverted mind. He laughed that wonderful, crazy laughter of his and gave me the hug of a lifetime – before leaving to go share the news with everyone. He just wanted me to be the first to know – since I was his best friend.<em>

_And if you know me, then you should know Tala too. He is one of those people who sees __**everything**__, especially what goes on in my head. He's the only person on the face of this earth who can read me like an open book – and he's also the only one who's ever seen me cry about anything. But he apparently failed completely when it came to see how much I love him. Loved him? Whatever the correct tense is in the current situation. I have never felt such excruciating pain in my entire life. The Abbey and all the torture I went through in there is a petty papercut in comparison. My heart, my hopes, my dreams, my soul was just ripped apart – into the tiniest shreds, that I doubted would ever be possible to sew back together._

_Now, was I brave and confessed my feelings to him and put up a fight for his love? No, of course not. I was too busy feeling my whole world collapse around me. That, and locking myself in my apartment, turning my phone off and making sure to stay hideously drunk. Did the pain go away? Haha, you wish. If anything, it doubled, tripled, decupled raised to the power of a thousand. Strange, how I didn't even manage to cry about it. It was like it was too big to even connect with my tear ducts._

_Hm, I'm reaching the end of this tunnel, it seems – the daylight or whatever it is, is really fucking bright. I wonder what the scenery looks like out there. Funny, I always thought this road would be longer – but maybe it's short because I'm young still. 26, that's hardly even a grown up age. Well, I never actually pictured my twentieth birthday, so I guess I succeeded in shocking myself. Probably everyone else too. Did I tell anyone I was going for this run? Not really. I did call Tala. I know he was away to France, or Greece or whatever. I just told him to try and behave, and that I had found something that could help me sort my problems out. I didn't tell him I loved him. I didn't say goodbye. Or, well, I did. But just the usual 'catch you later. Do svi danye, Tal'. I hope I will catch him later. Though it will probably be a while. I sent Dranzer over to Chief a few weeks back. She needed a good check over – and he still has her. I know she's taken care of. Chief always had a soft spot for her. I did leave them a note, though. Basically just to tell them that if they wrote any cheesy line on the stone – I would fucking come back and haunt them._

_And this isn't my first run either. No, I've been down this tunnel a couple of times before. And guess who's saved me every fucking time. Yeah, you bet! Tala. This time he won't. And I actually don't feel sad or anything now. It feels... I don't know. Peaceful. I just fell asleep, and that was it. Do I have regrets? Of course I do. I've been a real jerk in my days – a treacherous bastard, to be frank. I'm perfectly aware of it. That's why I was so good at it. But I left quite the impression. I'm still known as one of the scariest bladers to ever step up to the dish. Tala and the others being the rest of them. I left it to Tyson to be the big hero – he seemed to enjoy that role. Guess every team needs a black sheep, and I really fit every criteria for it. I did like the team. I liked their stubborn motto of no one being left out. That we always had each others backs, cause we were a team._

_Haha, imagine the headlines when this comes out! Jeez, it would be a blast to read. I wonder how they will put it. _

_Almost there now. Almost. I just need a few more steps. A few more scenes to pass. Oh, there's the last one. How sad. At least I had the good taste not to do it in the bathroom, like every other loser. I lay down in my bed. In my favourite outfit. I never really thought about how good looking I was. I'm dying, ok? I'm allowed to be vain. Haha, I even managed to look content. Well, that's what it's all about in the end, I guess. Leave a good looking body behind. Try not to make a mess. Alright, that's it. One more step now..._

_Ouch! What the fuck? Why was I stopped? Ouch! Who the fuck is pulling me backwards? Shit, it really hurts! Oh, come on, this can't be happening. Seriously, who the hell is fucking with me? It was just one step away. Goddamnit. Maybe if I try to pull forward a bit... Oww! No, that didn't really work too well. What the fuck is pulling on me? Oh, wait, there's some kind of silver chain attached to my heart. Or, well, where my heart used to be. If I ever had one. There are some different opinions about that. Oww! This is just not happening! I don't want to go back. I really don't. There's nothing there for me to do. Who is so fucking hellbent of getting me back? None of them has the keys to my apartment anymore. I had the locks changed about eight days ago... _

_The light is disappearing. It's just a needle point in the distance now. I'm seriously going to punch the fucker who's doing this to me.  
>Urgh, ouch, awkward feeling. It's like trying to fit into a sleeping bag made for an infant. What the hell is going on? Oww! The hell! Someone is trying to break my fucking ribs here! And why am I feeling it? Oww! That fucking hurt! Who is trying to fucking electrocute me? Well, hopefully it kills me. Urrgh, there's something in my throat! Oh, great. I'm being stomach pumped. Someone is going to fucking pay for this! Oh no! Oh fucking no! That's a fucking heart rate monitor. I have a pulse. And there's air going in to my lungs. Lovely.<em>

_Whoa, what's happening now? It feels like I'm moving. There's people talking all around me. Oh, thank God. I stopped moving. Mm, yum. Hospital air. Well, at least that goddamned thing in my throat isn't there now. But I seem to have some sort of mask on. Oxygen mask. Great._

_What's that? Someone's taking my hand. There's people in the room. Who? Gah, maybe I should try to open my eyes. Maybe one of them is the fucker I oughta punch. Uh, jeez, this is really hard. It feels like my eyelids weighs a ton. Phew, new try. Seems like I'm making progress here, it's getting a lot lighter. God, that's a bright fucking light! What have they done? Aimed a spotlight right in my eyes or what? Hm, the hand is gripping me tighter. God, I know that hand... Who? Someone's crying. No, there's more than one person crying in here. Gah! Come on, eyes! Open, goddamnit!_

"Kai." _Shit, I know that voice! I just can't place it..._

"Come on, bro'! Don't you fucking dare to give up on us now!" _I know that one too!_

"Kai! Come on, wake up, please! Wake up..."

"I can't fucking believe he did this! Why the hell did he do it?"_ Another one! Fuck, how many are there?_

"We won't know that until he wakes up, guys. Speculations will get us nowhere." _Four voices I know. They're upset... Why? This was my choice. They didn't make me do this... Ugh, one last try. Eyes, work with me. Open the fuck up! I just wish that fucking lamp wasn't so bright. Shit, that hurts. Ok, everything is kinda blurry here. There's something red to my left. Red and...white. God. No... Red, and white. I know only one person with that colour combination. Tala is here. His hand is the one holding mine. Something light purple... no, lilac, next to him. Bryan. Shadow the size of a sky scraper to my right. That's gotta be Spencer. That means the dark purple blur by the foot of my bed is Ian. Shit, they're all here. I can't believe this! Saved again! And why is Tala holding my hand? Shouldn't he be in the other end of Europe right now? And where is that guy he was moving in with? I don't really wanna know. At least he had the decency not to bring him. Oh no! Oh, no no no! That's __**so**__ not a tear running down my cheek! Fuck. Is there no end to my humiliation?_

"Kai!" _Tala's speaking to me again. Gotta try to focus... whoa. I've never seen his eyes look that scared before._ "Kai, you awake? Just nod if you are."_ Jeez, thanks for making this easy. Ugh, ok, one nod. That's all you're getting, you bastard._ "Oh, thank God!" _The fuck do you mean 'Oh, thank God'? I'm not agreeing with you at all._ "Don't ever scare me like that again! Don't you dare leave me again, Kai!"

"Calm down, Tala!" _Bryan really has no patience with melodrama._ " The guy's been out of it for a day! Give him a break, will you!" _Thanks Bry. Ugh, I'm really tired...Oh, blessed sleep. Please say they are not here when I wake up._

_Hah, just my luck. What's the first thing I see when I wake up? Tala's face. The others aren't here. Can't decide if that's good or bad. He looks tired. Has he seriously been sitting here the whole time? What about his boyfriend? Well, that fucker oughta be pissed now. At least that's a comfort. Best friend, my ass. If he were my best friend, he should have just left me alone and let me go. But no! Much better idea to bring Kai back to his miserable, pathetic life and make him watch me being happy lovey dovey with my boyfriend. God, if I had any strength in my body, I'd reach out and punch him. Uh-oh! He noticed I'm awake. Would you please not stroke my hair out my face like that! And n-no, don't caress my cheek like you fucking cared. oh- what the fu-? Why are you kissing my cheek? That can qualify as cheating! Weren't you the one who said you'd never ever ever cheat? Fucking liar. Ouch! You don't have to turn my head like that! I can do it myself, you know. I just don't want to at the moment. I'm perfectly happy believing you to be a hallucination. Ok, I see you. What?_

"Kai." _Why is his voice so sad? Oh, right. I'm his friend. He's showing friendly worry._ "Do you have even the vaguest idea, of how much you scared me?" _Ugh, the guilt game. I can give you an even bigger fucking scare! You just wait until I'm out of this bed. Jeez, stop looking like I killed your mama! I think I'll close my eyes now._ "Kai? Don't fall asleep on me again, please! Don't leave me, Kai! I love you, you fucking idiot! Don't do this to me!" _Love me? Haha, allow me to laugh. This is where he's gonna pull this 'you're my best friend and I want you to stay alive'-bullshit. Wha-No no no! You did not just kiss me! This is not happening! Whoa! Ok, yeah, that was a kiss. Gah! The tears are building up again. Don't we just __**love**__ that? Guess I should try to wake up properly. Holy motherfucking God, I'm tired. Have they drugged me? I hope they have. I kinda like this fluffy feeling. Uh, ok, I think I'm awake now. Next up; try to get my fucking vocal cords to work, so I can damn Tala to hell._

"Kai, come on. Can you hear me?" _I'm nodding here, Tala! Are you blind? Ok, obviously. Guess I'll have to try speaking..._

"Yes..." _God, I sounded better when my voice was fucking breaking! Think I can damn him to hell via a note? Hey, why are you crying? I thought you'd be happy to see me awake. _

"Kai, don't do this again. Don't ever do this again, you hear me?" _Jeez, that's really a promise I can make. Not! _"Don't go where I can't follow! I need you with me, Kai."

"No...you don't..." _And here we go again! I have waterfalls falling from my eyes. Well, that's just...sad. Uh-oh! That did not fall well with you. Are you gonna punch me now? Go ahead. Put me out of my fucking misery._

"Yes, I do! I love you!" _Why do you keep saying that? Weren't you the one who had found a guy and was moving in with him? The hell is wrong with this picture?_ "Why can't you understand? Why can't you understand that I have always loved you?" _Huh? Come again?_

"No...you..love..that other...guy... not me..."_ Ugh, so difficult to speak! And I still sounded better when my voice was breaking. Right now, I sound like fucking Gollum or someone._

"Kai, there is no other guy!" _Uhm, say fucking __**what**__ now?_ "I've loved you since before all that shit with BEGA! But I didn't think you loved me back. And I tried to find someone else, and that only made me a slut. I still wanted you. And... I just couldn't take it any more. But I didn't know what to do! It's not easy for me to talk about emotions. And it's not easy talking to you about them either. At least not when it's about me loving you. So I decided the only way was to try and test you, to see if I could get an answer out of you. I was hoping that you'd get angry and tell me you loved me just to keep me with you. Like you always do when someone tries to take something you want as yours. This was not supposed to happen! You weren't supposed to die and have to be brought back to life. You died! You were dead for almost six minutes!" _Holy fuck! Six minutes? Whoa..._

"How...how did you..."

"I was at home when I got your message. There's a flight strike going on. No planes are going anywhere at the moment. I just came through the front door when I heard the answering machine. There was something about your voice. It was so...empty. I recognized it from the other times. I just turned right around and ran to my car. I called the guys on the way over. I actually kicked your door in. You had already stopped breathing when we got there. Thank God Spence and Bry are fucking experts at CPR. Ian called the ambulance the minute we stepped through your door. Finding you like that was the worst moment of my life! I was losing you without having gotten the chance to tell you I loved you. And to see you being lifted into the ambulance, without the slightest fucking sign of life... and then to see you going through all those procedures here. I have never been that scared in all my life! What if they hadn't managed to get you back? What if you were lost forever? What was I going to do then? There is no life without you. You hear me? I don't want to go on if you die. I can't fucking go on without you!" _Ok, now I feel really shitty. I was just as fucking blind as Tala. Great. I just got myself a new middle-name. 'Kai the-greatest-idiot-on-the-face-of-the-planet Hiwatari'. Ugh, gotta do something! I can't just lie here like some talking veggie! Come on, arm! Move! Ugh, ok. I think it's moving. Tala, little help here! I would really need your face a bit closer if this is going to work. I still really wanna punch you. But that won't work... come on! Get your fucking face over here, you goddamned stubborn stupid carrot top! Thank you. Your cheek is all wet still. Have you really been crying that much? I'm sorry, Tal. I'm really sorry. Could you please come a bit closer? Please? Thank you. Ugh, ok, here we go. The world's most cheesy and embarrassing love confession ever._

"I..I love...you. I'm sorry..." _Oh, great. I made you cry again._

"Just don't do this again. Please." _Come on! Isn't it kinda easy to figure out that I won't? I love you, you love me. Why would I do this shit again? And besides, that fucking electric shock is something I can manage without going through again._ "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you straight out."

"Please...hold...me..."_ What? You think I don't like to be held close by someone? I'm just very picky when it comes to who gets to do it. Tala is so far the only one who's made it onto the list. That feels good. I could get used to this. Oh, nice. Tala Ivanov is a really good kisser, just so you know. _

Xxx xXx xxX

_Hi, it's Kai. But I take it you haven't forgotten about that, so I'll save my breath. And believe me, I need it. So what am I doing? Panting, actually. Why am I panting? Well, Tala Ivanov is even better in bed than he's a kisser. I seriously don't get how I came to be the bottom, but, you know what, I can live with that. Maybe he took advantage of his strength when I was still dazed from the OD, and just didn't let go of that advantage when I got better. I dunno. What I do know, is that I really freaking love Tala. Five years into our relationship, and we're now married. Haha, you should have seen the fucking headlines! Sheesh, big drama! Fangirls wanting to kill themselves or us. Other bladers damning us to hell, or wishing us good luck. Bryan and Ian cried at the wedding. Spence has always been the crybaby of the gang, so that wasn't a surprise. But to see Bry and Ian do it – fucking priceless!_

_So, have I gone for any more runs? Nope. I promised Tala that I won't, and I never break my promises. And you know what? I'm happy. For the first time in my life, I can answer 'yes' to the question, and not be lying. I'm still a jerk, but mostly towards reporters and fangirls. Tyson gets his fair share of it, but that's nothing new. We don't compete any more, neither of the teams – but we do an occasional match at tournaments, fund raisers and stuff like that to get visitors and all that stuff. And the pay is ridiculously good. Wish we could have gotten that kind of money when we were competing - then my teams could have gotten a change in their wardrobes. I didn't need the money, and I wouldn't want Tala to change his style for anything in the world! You have to agree that Tala is one of the hottest, sexiest guys on the face of the earth. Oh, nice. Another thing Tala Ivanov does good, is afterplay. Holy fucking God. Ok, get out now. I'm busy. Round two is coming up. Bugger off! Now! Thank you. Lock the door on the way out, would you?_

**Fin.**

**xXx xXx xXx**

**I want to make it very clear that I do NOT support suicide or self harming!** If you have those problems or thoughts – call your hospital for an appointment with a psychologist. It gets better. Trust me. It really does. I should know – cause I've been through this shit. So, I'll say it again: **Do NOT do stuff like this. There are good psychologists and psychiatrists out there who can help – so seek help instead of doing the things written in the story above!**

**/ Lahmia.**

Reviews are welcome. Flames..well, go find something better to waste your energy on.


End file.
